Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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