its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I did not marry a roomba.
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