My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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