yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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