I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
