I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
