so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
