Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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