I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
