Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
