I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
