remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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