No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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