Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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