Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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