why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We named our party play list daddy issues
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I lost the right to judge tonight
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize