I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
