I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
