I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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