the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
