Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
