I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
