I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You can't just leave with hair like that
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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