Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
