Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
