Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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