I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The uberlube is also flammable
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
