I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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