Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize