Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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