And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
