It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My vagina just recognized that song.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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