dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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