Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
