...so i touched it.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize