So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
