i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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