Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize