if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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