I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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