i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
