dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
