She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
