My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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