i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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