wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
