he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
