3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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