someone threw a dead crab at me
it's like iHOP with fire
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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