Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
