2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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