awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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