I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
