i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You may now shotgun with the bride
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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