I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
